I decided to pen it down not because I am pensive right now, but merely I think it is a lesson or rather an experience that might reveal more of what He wants for me, now and in the future.
It was prior to the date of this post when everything unearthed. The past few nights had been of cramming and relentless typing of letters and summation approaching one of my major assignments in this semester. It was due on Friday. It just didn't taste nice as Friday supposed to be an everything-free day, dedicating to God and His people. Rostered to co-lead the Praise and Worship session for the evening lifegroup, I decided to swap with someone after discussing with my mentor.
It was prior to the lifegroup in the evening that I made my way to the uni to do some final touch-up before dropping my piece of work at the assignment minder. The sky was fairly gloomy and so was my heart. Gunning down one piece of big big work supposed to bring soothing light feeling to the soul but it twisted into a disheartening one. The fact was that I received the worst piece of result in my entire Uni life for my favourite unit of the semester. I repeat again, The Worst. Perhaps due to the many copies of essays that had been remarkably done and even numerous praises literally from all the feedback received from the markers, this was just not so in accordance to the norm! It was the first ever Grade 4 / 7 and for it to be the outcome of a professional writing, it virtually meant - Off Topic. To further aggravate the solemness of the work, it was the first time my sentence structure and continuation being pierced unmercifully.
It crushed my spirit on my way to Roma St for Lifegroup, so profoundly that though the songs being played on the Ipod were meant to deliver great peace and grace to the listener, I wasn't moved. "Let it rain, let it rain. Open the floodgates of heaven and ...." All in a sudden I felt the whole world crashing down on me and everything was falling apart. Everything was just not right. All the wrong move in the wrong time.
With disappointment I walked into that familiar room. I felt really bad as my response to all those cheerful lovely faces was a mere shrug. I shouldn't be reacting in such a way as my emotion just somehow distanced the people. How to shine for Jesus! Where is my testimony! Throughout the lifegroup and discussion, I was held back. It was just sooo not me. Figuring out the unusual me, my unit leader waited at my home for my return, comforting and hugging off my disappointment till midnight.
Through this experience, God has revealed more of His interests in me. I started to reflect my reliance on Him and my storage of confidence. I need a fall, to realize how feeble I am without Him. I believe he is constructing some works within me, sorting out my veins and put them in the right places. I learnt to rejoice in other people's achievement, and I shall not compare.
Philippians 2:3 says: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves."
I need to be refined. I believe everything happens with a purpose. God is not done with me yet.
1 comment:
bad result? not sth to cry over as this is normal for students. :P
put that behind and continue walking.
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